Medical bill

The clinic send me the bill for the initial tests that they did on me and the totatl came to about R4200 rand which is the equivelant of 600 dollors. Which if i didnt have a perfect heart, would have given me a heart atack. Most of these tests where necessary and i dont blame myself for going to get it. Still thinking that i need to get a medical aid as it will help me in the long run to complete reassignment surgery as well. The normal doctors rates without medical aid at the moment is R246 per visit (36 dollors ish). She is kind and
well spoken and she send me on a chromosome test as well to see xxy tests is positive. I am glad for that.

Yesterday Chrisie edkins added me as a friend on facebook and youtube, she is great and probably thee most outspoken transgender out there at this time. I hope to become friends with her some more and chat
learning as much as i can beyond just the articles that i read in the news papers.

One of our managers died and they moved lucky from our store to the other store, so once again my work is down to three managers, go figure.  We did win the steers competition for the regional best shop and i am glad about that .

On the wotmud my character was grilled by the Aes sedai on the pk and roleplaying that she did. It was a gruelling few hours but i feel positive coming out of it.

Personally i am ok, feeling healthier than before, just got a sore throat and some eerie visions of alternate realities where one can pick and choose the things that you want. Granted ive always been interested in self improvement, but what that one sedai stated that i talk too much about it.

Damn family

So i tell my sister about my condition and she yells at me cause she sees hair, penis face hair , that i cannot possibly be xxy ?
I mean what the fuck. How can people remain so narrow minded and still live ?
I look at her and i think to myself , if she ever where to die, she would realise how little she did know about the world. At some point shes telling me that cause im watching Fashion tv, that is why i believe i am female?
Wtf? seriously. How do you go through life allowing yourself not to even consider that there is more to the human body than the xx and xy chromosomes.
Sigh. Please God i need someone to show her the truth, cause i cannot.

early morning

i love this tiime 2am .the world is dead quiet and i can meditate on my thoughts. Were is now forcevery one. i had a great time with chav my friend and i stil wonder why i talk so much around her. my sis still not talking to me.sigh.

So feeling different

Spoke to jp from durban , her mom died yesterday and i feel how that must be painful for her to go on. Yet, i almost never feel anything anymore.
Spoke to my sister the other day, asking her if i can tell her about my doctors, and she brushed me off like i was not important. "Oh that sexchange thing , " like she didnt even consider my feelings in this. Yes, i do have feelings , i do feel pain when you brush me off like that.
Today spend the whole day reading xxy.com forums and just brushing up on what it means to be the third gender. Neither male nor female, but of both. Something i have always known.
At work im treated like a manager with slight difference, getting stares from people today cause my face is more feminine today with my conditioned hair. I so like it. Been wearing stockings with my work pants, got a few stares at my feet, but nothing i cannot handle. Im reminded of that time a few years back at cascades when i went to that mall dressed for the first time as a girl. I remember not getting any stares at that time, somehow preparing myself for this time in my life.
Do i feel better about reading that forums? Nope, it just popped up more questions in my mind. Like if i completely take estrogen  , will i swing further female than i am atm and will my xxy chromosomes make me feel better? Some chose the testosteron path and they are not happy, so not going that direcetion.

Woke this morning the same as everyday, wondering when i will be all female and not just halfway like i am right now. Yesterday at work everyone spoke to me about my dressing sense, but im still trying to dress how i feel. Seeing that i am of both genders does that make me unique in dressing like both genders cause i am of both.
I was watching that facebook movie and feel that i can do the same, my trillions of dollors.
My cat is wet, my heart is yearning for the right medicine.

Seriously.

So today at work it finally hit me why the doctor wanted me to undergo a chromosome test and
i realised that she suspects me of being xxy chromosome. What does this mean for me?That im a third gender.
That im something of a mix, that staying half male and half female could be my destiny for the rest of my life?

Who knows. I did some further studies on these intersex people and it made me cold to my bones. These people explaining their lives is like they are replaying mine. So borderline gender, What to do , i want to swing the xx ways instead of the small y. Meaning i want to complete my transition.

First blog,

I normally do thiis on my diary but everyone is doing this online these days.
Tomorrow is second visit to Dr Y. Mdunge at Hayfields clinic, think i will
take pictures and post them here for those to see. Had this great day meditating
with Paul Mckennas audio stuff. While doing it , i found that i could take myself
deeper into a trance by counting myself deeper in. Meaning as Paul was putting
me in a trance, i found that that felt like level one, so went to trance level two
up to trance level five. There was a point where i felt that my mind was just a mind
no feeling from my body at all.
My voice is changing as well as my hair , and body. Hoping this will allow me to
journey quicker to the end of my journey.